Proctor’s own Suburban Cowboy looks back at highs and lows of 2024.
January
The year starts strangely as Prime Minister Anthony Albanese warns the big supermarket chains to stop making profits, presumably because he feels he is getting too much tax revenue from them. Supermarket giant Woolworths embraces the concept and does its best to shed customers by declaring it will not sell Australia Day merchandise.
In the US, the Republican primaries heat up as Donald Trump wins Iowa after promising to deport anyone with a moustache who is caught speaking Spanish.
February
Nationals MP Barnaby Joyce is filmed lying on his back on a Canberra footpath and making a phone call; he later claims it was the only way he can get good reception in Canberra, although most people are sceptical as they do not feel Joyce could get a good reception anywhere. Former Prime Minister (and, as it turned out, health minister, finance minister, Treasury minister, Brigadier-general, Davis Cup captain and Pope) Scott Morrison resigns from parliament and delivers his final speech, noting he is looking forward to finally getting to Hawaii.
In the United States, President Joe Biden cancels $1.2 billion of student loan debts while attempting to order a pizza on-line.
March
Virgin Australia, realising that the one thing missing from their customers’ in-flight experience is the smell of dog urine, announces it will allow pets to ride in the cabin on some domestic flights. Shares in Qantas soar.
Meanwhile, Donald Trump announces that if elected he will sack Kevin Rudd as the Australian ambassador to the US. This sends shivers down the spines of all Australians, since it means that Rudd might come back. Also, US actor Leonardo DiCaprio weighs in on the Tasmanian state election, posting on Instagram that “Austrians are smart people, they should vote to end logging in Tanzania”.
April
In their ongoing effort to reduce CO2 emissions, Prime Minister Anthony Albanese and Climate Change and Energy Minister Chris Bowen charter two separate private jets to attend the same event. When questioned the PM explained, “We both know the secret recipe for Coca Cola, so we cannot travel together”.
Not to be outdone, Queensland Premier Steven Miles charters a private jet to fly from his front yard to his back yard. Miles explains that the trip was justified, as recent rain had made his yard ‘quite muddy’ and he was wearing his good shoes.
May
In the US, Democrats begin to get nervous that Joe Biden might not exactly be in mint condition in the same way that the Titanic is not exactly in mint condition. Questioned about rumours that he may be replaced as the Democratic nominee, the President forcefully declared, “I am the only democrat who has a chance against Ronald Reagan!” Many Democrats, on examining their other options, fear he may be right.
In rare good news for 2024, Mighty Manchester United win the FA Cup, defeating their opponents, the Scumbag Lowlife Spawn of Satan (known to their fans – both of them – as Manchester City) 2-1.
June
Democrat fears get worse as Joe Biden debates Donald Trump in the run-up to the Presidential election, and somehow manages to make Trump look like the smart one. Responding to a question from the moderator on foreign policy, Biden replied, “I’ll have some alfalfa thanks Bob” before praising Chinese leader Xi Jinping for his “excellent work as pope.”
WikiLeaks founder Julian Assange is released from prison and returns to Australia. He is warmly received by Prime Minister Albanese, who is glad to be able to stand next to someone who has actually spent less time than him in Australia over the past two years.
July
On the back of a campaign promising everybody everything they have ever wanted plus lower taxes, Sir Keir Starmer becomes Prime Minister of the United Kingdom. Also, Queen Camilla and Prince Edward are formally appointed Order of the Thistle; nobody knows what this means, but it doesn’t sound good, and if there is an initiation ritual we do not want to know the details.
In a scenario you simply couldn’t make up, President Biden referred to Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelenskiy as “President Putin” and to Donald Trump as his Vice President. Donald Trump survives an assassination attempt and manages to find someone crazier than him to be his running mate; opinion is divided as to which achievement was the more miraculous.
August
To the relief of organisers, the 2024 Olympics and Paralympics Closing Ceremony goes off without a hitch and is largely rated, ‘just as boring as all the other ones’. This is in stark contrast to the opening ceremony, which generated a certain amount of controversy in the same sense that Anthony Albanese generates a certain amount of frequent flyer points.
The controversy mostly focused on a dining scene, which appeared to be a reunion of the creatures from the Star Wars cantina but was actually either a tribute to the god of wine or the end of civilisation as we know it, depending on your propensity to take offence at the drop of a hat.
In the US, Hurricane Debbie causes devastation in Florida, prompting Donald Trump to announce that if elected, he will ”ban future hurricanes and deport any already here!” The plan will be paid for by Mexico.
September
Queensland Premier Steven Miles uses a government jet to deliver a birthday cake to a Labor MP. In defending the trip as ‘entirely justifiable’, Miles points out that the ground is still pretty muddy, and he had to use the government jet because all the private ones were booked.
The second presidential debate took place in the US; Democrat candidate Kamala Harris is considered to have won, largely by letting Donald Trump speak. Trump – whose instructions from his home planet appeared to have been interrupted by sunspot activity – centred his arguments on claims that immigrants to the USA were stealing and eating pets, and that Harris had only recently become a black person. It was predicted that these comments would damage Trump’s campaign, because nobody at that time appreciated the appeal of insanity in a candidate.
October
Former chair of the Australian Republican Movement, Craig Foster, takes to social media to complain about being invited to a community BBQ with King Charles and Queen Camilla. Millions of Australians respond – mostly, those responses were “Craig who?” but some were more supportive, noting, ”what kind of Australian turns down a free BBQ?
In an effort to prove that the US does not have a monopoly on intellectually unremarkable politicians, Senator Lidia Thorpe hurls incomprehensible abuse at King Charles. The King is unphased however, remarking, “It’s still nicer than anything Meghan Markle has ever said to me.”
In Queensland, Steven Miles celebrates his massive election loss with all the gusto of the English Test Cricket Team claiming a moral victory. When journalists point out that the LNP actually won and he was possibly being a bit childish, Miles responded, “Oh yeah? Well it takes one to know one!” and then put his hands over his ears and went “La la la” for 12 hours.
November
The big news of November 2024 is the US election, which Donald Trump wins by a significant margin. In response, several celebrities claim they will now leave the United States; nobody is trampled in the rush to stop them.
Australian Prime Minister Anthony Albanese is among the first to congratulate President-elect Trump. Kevin Rudd, Australia’s ambassador to the US, is strangely silent and later found tied up in a broom closet with gaffer tape across his mouth and his smart phone missing. Albanese claims to have “no idea” how it happened and promises an enquiry.
Meanwhile a scandal around the PM’s requesting upgrades on flights from Qantas fizzles out when it turns out that pretty much every Australian politician ever, from every party, living or dead and including those who died before the invention of the airplane, requested upgrades on their flights. Not one Australian faints in shock.
December
Prime Minister Anthony Albanese again courts controversy when, in response to the latest anti-Semitic attack on our shores, he plays tennis. While headline writers compete with one another to see who can make the worst puns involving the phrase ‘tennis Albo’, the PM explains that the decision was one of fiscal responsibility. “They make you pay for the courts even if you don’t turn up, so I went ahead. I will not apologise for putting the Aussie taxpayer first!”
So winds down a year in which there was not much to laugh about, and possibly the best we can say is we survived it. Here’s wishing everyone a safe and happy Christmas and a 2025 that is peaceful and prosperous.
© Shane Budden 2024
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